What am I up to now you ask? A couple people I care about have recently found out their child has autism. They have a long, stressful road ahead of them but I want them to know that there may be some unexpected surprises along the way.
THE JOYS OF AUTISM
When my oldest was younger there was this one area we would drive past and everytime we did he would slouch down nervously. Why was he so scared?
There was a high school with a large sign outside that said, “Children’s Recycling Center“. He thought they actually took in kids and then they were recycled..gone.
Imagine seeing the world literally.
With age came new experiences…
Rubbing His . .
“Mom! Look what I can do!” He then proceeds to rub his … I immediately stop him and try to explain as calmly as I can that it is completely normal but to please not show or tell anyone and to do it in a private place. “When I take a bath?” “Sure!” After an hour and a half goes by I tell him that it is time to get out. “But I can do it two times now!”
A male friend was over visiting, my son walked up to him and asked, “Are you going to have sex with my mom? Because if you do, I suggest you wear a condom”. I LOVE sex education.
He approached me very concerned. “I am very worried about this sex thing. I think I should just start wearing a condom right now”. “I really don’t think, being 14, that you have anything to worry about”. “But what if a group of girls surround me and force me to have sex with them? I don’t want STDs or AIDS! I just think I should just start wearing one now all the time. I want to be prepared.” I think they failed to point out some crucial information in sex ed class.”Just don’t worry about it.” “But what if they rape me?” “Seriously son.. that, will never, ever, happen. I promise!”
I Think I Have Aids
“I think I have AIDS”. “What? What are you talking about?” “I was doing that private thing in the shower and I used my wash for pimples. Will I get AIDS now?” This wash contains salicylic acid. “No, you won’t. Did you wash it all of? You can’t use that! Why not use instead (frantically searching) this Suave Coconut conditioner.” I can get it at the .99cent store.
I hear my name being screamed from the other room. “What is it?” “Look..I am growing hair! Everywhere! How can I make it stop?” “This is completely normal. You are getting older.” “NOOO! I don’t want my body to look like Chris Haslam’s hair!” The joys of enjoying skateboarding.
“WHY! OH WHY! Did you have to have sex 2 times! I hate my brother!!!” I hear this one pretty much on a daily basis.
I find him sneaking into my bathroom, looking suspicious, in the drawer where the razors are. “What are you doing?” “I need a razor. I need to shave all this hair off of me or else I could get crabs.” Step away from the razors.
“Why is it when I look at girls..you know…boobies, I get this weird kind of feeling?” “Umm..well that is because you like them. But don’t tell them that! It is completely normal”. “Can I tell them Nice Rack?” “No..probably not a good thing to say to a girl.”
I have two now.. “Mom..lately when I go to the bathroom, it hurts a little and I have these cramps and stuff.” “What? You have pain? Where?” “Right here! Right here in my abdomen.” “What it sounds like you are describing is PID”. “YES! That’s what I have!” “Well, first of all, I am assuming you have not had sex yet, just turning 13 and well…only girls can get it so I think your okay”. “Are you sure?” “Yes. Positive!”
One night a girlfriend arrives to pick me up for a night out on the town. This is the first introduction for the kids. “This is my friend…. These are my boys!” ” Do you do cocaine?” My friend, “What?” “Do you do cocaine? Because I don’t care if you do but I don’t want my mom to”. Yep…great introduction.
Took a fun bike ride down to the US Open. “There are a lot of pretty girls down here, isn’t there?” “No crap Shakespeare!” What? Ohhh!!! He meant No Shit Sherlock. I will let that one go.
Mom.. What’s a Whore?
“Mom.. What’s a whore?” “What’s Tea-Bag?” “What is a slut?” “What does crap mean?” “Why did a guy call a girl a fox when she is a girl?” “How can a dog be a dog and a person a dog?” “What does pussy mean?” Now they have not heard these words in our home but from other kids! Just try to come up with a definition for these words. It isn’t that easy!
NEVER A DULL MOMENT!
Say Something Raunchy