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Penis Observations

  • Be More Specific When You Ask For Rubber!

    FETISH? Not quite. He just wants to be a doll. No, not Ken. Not Barbie. Don’t waste your money on that Barbie jeep.


    What is your first impulse when you imagine men dressing up to be women? It isn’t a sexual turn on so rule that out. Their mommies didn’t fail to breast feed them long enough and no, they aren’t gay.

    They really are not any different than what you would think. He is a happy and content family man. Actually pretty vanilla in the sack. He didn’t play with barbies as a child. He had posters taped all over his walls of swim suit models. Yes, maybe a bit of an introvert. By no means a player. He was a regular guy, holding down a regular job, working 9-5 and coming home to a wife and kids. He isn’t kinky. He isn’t a freak. He is your neighbor who seems a bit secluded on weekends and keeps his bushes untrimmed.



    Female maskers are not what you think. Most seem to have been loners and never thought they would ever be the guy to get the hot girl. They aren’t resentful about it. It’s like a fantasy that they know isn’t real. It seems to derive from their teen years. This thought about somehow becoming that fantasy (although their are some who want to be nasty girls, no surprise there) so they try to come up with ways to do it. At some point they discover they are not alone. They They get to know others who are the same. They see that they are not alone. It is generally a hidden love, and a very expensive one as well. We are talking thousands of dollars and there is mainly one distributor.

    Right now you are thinking about some guy in Las Vegas creating these things. That is not at all who this community bows down to. It is this tight knit family in the bible belt of Florida, the Ramos family. The dad had a cabinet company that sadly went under. This is his creation. He is no longer alive but his family has carried on. The mom and kids all continue to make these suits and continue to try to improve upon them. Every one of them is unique, made to order. What color skin do you want? What size breasts? How dark would you like the nipples? Germany is their number one in sales and they prefer a dark brown nipple. Would you like the cherry popper vagina? It’s silicone and you can go swimming in it. The basic package includes the suit, implants, vag/thigh padding and a pouch kit. That will cost you $1,800.


    These are straight men who are harmless and generally hide it from everyone in shame. They are just as nervous as some other women on what to wear. Does this look good? What do you think? They take pictures of themselves. In fact, that is what most do. That is it. Nothing else. Is it like being a mime or dressing up for Halloween. One man states that he would rather see this beautiful woman in the mirror instead of himself. Is this any different than those people who dress up for festivals? Being honest, most people out in the world, walking around in their real skin are fake. Isn’t this more honest? Let me introduce you to this lively 70 yr old successful man who lives in Orange County in a mansion.

    He is finally “coming out of the doll house”. After attending his first Rubber Doll Convention, he became more comfortable. He would take picture after picture of himself in his multitude of fem-skins and faces. He loved not seeing himself, a 70 yr old man in the mirror and instead, seeing a hot woman. This is what made him want to come home. He knew she was there. There are a few that like wearing their fem-skins out. They liked the attention. They never got it before. Robert decided to take a huge step. Looking at his age, why not? He got himself all together and took the plunge. He drove down to Newport Beach and dared himself to walk the pier. Do you know what happened? Not one thing bad. Sure, people asked questions. They wanted to touch his boobs, even I get asked that all the time. They all saw it as harmless. It’s not like he chose the Chucky doll or went in the American Girl direction. He felt like it was a dream. He couldn’t believe it. It was exciting and he saw his world change right in front of him into a even more glorious place. He was floating. Can you imagine? It’s been awhile since I have walked down any street and felt a new sense of optimism and hope. He got that. I’m thinking that was what he was looking for his whole life. He probably told himself inside multiple reasons why he didn’t “deserve” or wasn’t “special” enough. Gotta be amazing, even at 70, to finally have that feeling.


    You just gotta take the plunge. Screw worrying about what everyone else thinks. When he did what made him happiest, his life became all he wished for.

    Having fun? Consider donating or purchasing some raunchy clothing to help us support Autism.
  • Could Maternal Instinct Be Our Achilles Heel?

    Could our maternal instinct be our Achilles heel?  Think about it. I am not saying it tied to mother’s necessarily, even though historically that is what they say. I am talking about the instinct. There are many women out there who don’t have this. A man can have it. Sex doesn’t mater. I know a lot of gay men that I know have that maternal instinct. That could be why they make great parents, and ex-husbands if they didn’t come out until it was time to end their male/female marriage. I know a few straight men. I can see paternal but maternal is different.


    Maternal, I believe is more nurturing. There isn’t that whole, “Throw him in the pool. He will learn to swim” It’s that feeling you have deep inside. That gut feeling that tells you, “I know this is not something they are ready for yet but I will raise them to be capable of it”. It isn’t an in the moment feeling. I believe for a lot of men, they don’t really look past now. That isn’t in their control. They feel like they can’t do anything about that. The maternal feeling, it sees a lifetime. They will look at this child/teen/adult (it never goes away) and see what this human being can be. What they are capable of and they know it, for certain, deep down in their soul. Their life mission is to help this little piece of their heart, see this and learn that they can do it and be a phenomenal human being. It’s maternal instinct.

    I am talking about a particular person but a type of person. It’s a weakness that ends badly and we don’t even realize it’s a problem. It is inside of us. We can’t help it.

    Warning I have many bullshit theories. I am always honest about that. None have significant science proof they exist. They are pretty much ridiculous explanations I have come up with in my not so rational brain. I am probably wrong but I am able to speak them with enough confidence in the moment that I can move past the obvious deficiencies and come up with another. Works for me.

    It’s that issue many of us have. I have been guilty of it. We meet someone. “Fall in love”. We look at this person with warmth in our heart and see the halo above their head and know this is the one. The problem?

    We look at this person and we see what they are capable of. We see how smart they are. We see how they could succeed in this world. We believe in them and know, without a doubt, that they will get there. They just may need a little steering in the right direction and the “right” person to show them they can do it. You want them to see what you see. This is why the ending isn’t like the historical story but another version. It isn’t death but it doesn’t end well.

    I think the mistake we make is not seeing who they are at that time. The way they really are. They are adults (not our children) and they pretty much are who they want to be. If they wanted to be more, they would. We end up staying in this relationship for a long time. We hope that they will see it. We do everything we can to help them see it. They never see it. They are usually fine with who they are and can’t understand why you are not. They are exactly the same as when they met you so what is the problem? You loved them then. What changed?

    It’s that damn maternal instinct I tell you!! We have to somehow teach our hearts that if they are adults, any sort of nurturing, love, support, constant affirmation, isn’t going to do shit. You are not that secret piece of the puzzle that will help them see the light. It isn’t you that they needed his whole life to help “fix” them or “change” them. You are not that (no offense). You just don’t have that special super power. We spend sometimes years in this relationship. We waste years in this relationship. It doesn’t work.

    We just have to try and find a way to shut down that maternal thing when it comes to relationships. Personally, I have tried using baby animals and now, as I stand before you, with two dogs, two kittens, two birds and a guinea pig, I’m not so sure it is the route you should take. I will say that you will be busier and less able to put as much thought as you were about people you meet but like I said before. I am completely full of shit.

    It’s how I roll.


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  • How Real is Reality TV?

    bravo Take a look at these two gorgeous men in the pic. You love the bad boy with tattoos? Let me introduce you to Brandon Liberati. You love the All-American jock? Here he is, Craig Ramsey. Have you heard of them? If you haven’t, I can guarantee that you will. I’ve known them for a few years now. Brandon is a magician with my hair. I look forward to my appointments and the conversations we have. He has an incredible insight and concern for the LGBT community. He will bring up issues that they are dealing with and pose questions that really make you think.  He is a beautiful soul who motivates me and empowers me like no one else can. “It’s important what we both are doing. It isn’t about your products or our appearances, it’s about what we represent. We really are the same. We both are not afraid to say what we think. We are proud of who we are and celebrate our differences. We are about being proud of who you are, and letting the world see that happiness is up to them.” During these times I enjoy Craig as the yummy eye candy that he is. He is definitely a go-getter.  His energy is illuminating. Everything he talks about contains so much enthusiasm that makes you pop up. I see him  juggling the phone calls and emails like a master but still always taking the time to ask Brandon what he thinks. He doesn’t do anything without consulting him. Everything is agreed upon. It eliminates the need to ever argue about their schedules. There are times I have been there for hours and don’t even realize it. Craig will be telling me about another brilliant idea/class that he is considering and time just disappears. Wine and Stretch class?? Umm.. HELLO! Yes Please!  I never feel like he is just looking for the typical sounds great response. I am comfortable chiming in and offering anything I can do to help. The funny part is they are usually doing the same for me. Craig is my guru for my business and for my disappointing waistline. I can ask him how to do something or discuss what I think should come next and he will give me an honest answer. Let me just say that there may be some ass play that goes on between these two but it doesn’t involve blowing smoke up anyone’s ass, not mine at least.

    Coming Soon!

    Coming Soon!

    Did you catch this season of Newlyweds on Bravo TV? They were on it. The first legally married gay couple. Was their reality show real? I am sorry to tell you but what you saw, is pretty much what you get. Take a look at my past blogs. I have wrote about them before any of their lives became public. They are always respectful of each other. It always blows me away that neither will go into the kitchen without asking if the other needs anything. They support each other and those closest to them. Brandon and Craig recognize that there is always something more out there to learn. They are open to it and thrive on it. They want everyone they care about the most to be happy and healthy.   Brandon2fit+fab     newlyweds         The Birth of Fit + Phab Happy and Healthy. That is Fit + Phab, not only on the outside but on the inside. Every step they take in the spotlight they see as an opportunity to set an example for others. They aren’t afraid to stir the pot because they know it opens up a conversation that is needed. Sometimes that ability to not sweat the small stuff (except maybe a 5 minute workout) can be just laughing at the stupidity of others. They look at the big picture of life and believe there is always more that can be done. The only thing stopping us, is ourselves and if we need a little nudge in the right direction or a big push, Fit + Phab is the place (and people) you need to see. Brandon is a hairstylist to the stars (and me)  Craig is a fitness specialist and model and so many other things. They have both dealt with adversity. They know the struggle. They know there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. They know out of everything in the universe that they could have, they have it, by being lucky enough to find each other. Brandonbrandonkhloe craig2   craigteachingbrandonhaircraig5





    So back to the main question, “How real is reality television?” I think it’s safe to say that there is always more that you can’t see. With these two, it is even better!

    If you are interested in some fun reading about these two boy toys!

    I’m in Love With 7  Gay Men

    PHAG… Pretty Hot and Gay

    R-E-S-P-E-C-T… Explain it to the straight man

    Falling For Gay Men

    Having fun? Consider donating or purchasing some raunchy clothing to help us support Autism.
  • Uncircumcision.. Extinct or In The Closet?

    Let’s touch on circumcision, shall we?


    Okay.. get your mind out of the gutter. It’s a baby anteater not a penis. Please! Do you find it adorable? Your answer could make all the difference.


    I’m sitting at home, going through emails and in the back I can hear a comedy special starring Amy Schumer. I am cracking up periodically and it helps keep things from being so boring. She brings up uncircumcised men. She mentions how they never give you a heads up (true!) and that once you are surprised with it you wish you could run away. It reminds me of my experience/experiences with the turtle-necked beast. First of all, penis’ really aren’t that attractive. I mean there is a huge and tiny (lol) variety. Some are multi-colored, some are vascular, some are smooth as silk, some turn to the left and some turn to the right. You are not given a heads up on those either so you have to be prepared. The thing that I have found is no matter what it looks like, men have a token answer if they even remotely think you are seeing “this type” for the first time. What is it? They say it with tension in their voice, “It makes sex better”. They explain about their penis being more sensitive than other penis’. They tell you how many women LOVED the curve because it could hit the spot. No matter what…we should apparently be cheering up and down because we have hit the jackpot! Since this is about circumcision, I will only address that elephant trunk in the room.


    Take a look at this picture. I am aware that it is flacid and that once hard they “get bigger” but what I want is to look at it aestetically. I had never seen an uncircumcised penis. I had no idea what was going on. Does the real penis come out? How does it come out? Where does that skin go? Can’t I just make you hard over your pants so I don’t even have to deal with this? How do you give a blowjob? I mean, men love you to tickle the tip with your tongue. Where is it? Can’t even suck on it? What if there is lint under there?
    (Remember I was much younger so that should explain the concerns)
    It kind of looks broken. It sounds silly but I was concerned over whether there could be dried pee that dripped all over it. I wasn’t concerned about that with a circumcised penis. I guess with that little hole, I thought it just came out without a drop. It’s like trying to eat one of those vanilla ice creams on a stick that is covered with hard chocolate. You really want to get to the vanilla so you may lick a bit of the chocolate or peel it off the top and then use your tongue to dig in there. Some of the ice cream is going to to drip down the chocolate part right?


    Was the sex different? No. Did it feel better to me? No. Did he seem to enjoy it more than others? Maybe but there could also be other guys out there who do arch their back and kind of swing their head back. I don’t know. It’s not like he would say it sucked. It just seems to me lately, you just don’t see those saggy oldies around as often as we use to. Are their less men uncircumcised? Has the boys change room where buddies make fun of each other made it so boys just don’t want to give anyone fuel for a joke. Telling the other kids how much better sex will be, they won’t buy that. I guess ideally, I would have liked to atleast seen one before. Even if just in a book. I could make friends with it first. Figure out how it works. Practice my facial expression. Nobody likes a surprise when you are getting all hot and bothered, listening to Stranglehold on the radio. It will break your rhythm. It’s like being shot in the face with a dose of reality. I am no longer the star of this Ted Nugent music video. I am back in my head thinking about the homework I have (remember this was a long time ago) Nope. I would have liked to avoid that.

    man-circumcised vs uncircumcised

    Speaking of shot in the face!

    No wait… that’s a whole other subject.

    Having fun? Consider donating or purchasing some raunchy clothing to help us support Autism.
  • It’s Time to Dish About The Latest Fetish!

    Ovipositors… Can you say it really fast five times?


    Have you ever had a dream where you are involved with an alien? Did the idea of being impregnated get you excited? Well guess what? You don’t have to dream anymore. Now, Ripley will not be the only one who can carry the queen’s eggs. I want to introduce you to the Ovipositor. One is named Splorch. It is made of soft platinum silicone and will help both men and women experience the fantasy. You can bring that dream to life. Splorch is 10.5″ tall, with a shaft length is 9.5″ and 2″ in diameter (this does not include your eggs). EGGS you ask? I’m going to shove eggs inside of me? No! You got it wrong. I mean they aren’t real eggs. That would just be silly. These are eggs that you make yourself out of gelatin. Now you are thinking, where can I get a mold for an egg? Well don’t you worry about it because one is included with your purchase.
    Splorch has a friend names Krubera. He is 12″ tall, his shaft is 11″ and the diameter 1.9″ (again without your eggs). Krubera can do the exact same thing only he’s bigger. Both are phallic shaped dildos that are hollow. Still having a difficult time visualizing? On one end there is a funnel shaped hole (bottom). That is where you put the eggs in. You put them in one by one, pushing them up the tube and out the top.

    “So is this  just for women?” Absolutely not! You can put it anywhere you want. Gelatin, when warmed up by your body heat, dissolves, so there will be no changing diapers or how will I pay for college? concerns.

    I know now you are thinking this is to good to be true. It’s really not. There is a downfall. These sell at only one place and are $100+ to buy. Not totally ideal but reasonable I guess.
    Just take a peak at

    Everything is silicone so avoid buying it as a gift until you know if they are allergic or not. There are other items for sale on the site. They sell wearables, harnesses and dicks and more. There are many options. They even have a toy shaped like a chicken. His name is Pecker. Another named Pedro. He looks just like a San Pedro cactus.

    This site is so fun!

    The dildos are all fashioned to look like animals and have fun names. What is your favorite? Clyde? Growler? Fluffer? or can’t decide. You get to also pick what color you want. You can choose any color, even glow or metallic. You can have it match the decor of your house, perhaps use it as a vase during down time. There really are many options.

    Overwhelmed? I’m sure just a bit but don’t worry. You will figure it out. Just don’t put all your eggs in one basket!

    Having fun? Consider donating or purchasing some raunchy clothing to help us support Autism.
  • I’m in Love with 7 Gay Men!

    eye-body-language-of-lovePlease note that these are NOT fictional characters. They do exist. We just don’t stand a chance with any of them.
    I have been exposed to nothing I have ever been through before and I don’t know if I can come back from, or actually if I want to.

    I spent an evening with these phenomenal men. Let’s keep it simple (for the men reading this) and call them Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. It is best to get Sunday out of the way since we are related. I love, love, love! him, more than beer! but due to that whole bloodline thing…He was a doll all night and made sure I was always okay. A great man he was. My week could not be complete without him. He is Sunday because I always look forward to him. I always enjoy that day and it’s usually full of fun. That is him. That’s my Sunday.

    Champagne before a night out? How could I miss that? Absolutely not! The warm welcomes and the politeness of all the greetings, very calming and reassuring. Walking in, immediately a glass is prepared. There is no waiting here. “You look fabulous! I LOVE the shoes!” OMG! ME TOO! Time for introductions.
    Let’s talk about Monday. Monday was a handsome man with a bit of a European flair. The chest hair was coiffed perfectly and his confidence lit the area around him. I could picture him in every country walking along a cobblestone path, looking like he had lived there for months. He was smooth but not the fake kind. One of those men that can arrive anyplace on their own and carry on a conversation about anything and everything. He was the teacher.
    Tuesday and Wednesday were the welcoming committee. I could not imagine them apart. Tuesday had the sweet ‘Steve Carell’ kind of vibe where he was funny, you might think insecure but actually not at all. He was a joy to be around. I don’t think there is anything he could do that wouldn’t be endearing. Wednesday felt the same. Allowing Tuesday to enjoy the spotlight, looking at him with so much affection. There was no competing with the two of them (ladies!), just mutual respect. Wednesday reminded me of a ‘Bill Gates’ type, only attractive. The business man with the life plan who could build anything from the ground up. I imagined he would have these moments of brilliant ideas and was capable of making all of them happen. He saw each person for who they are and was able to learn something from all of them. He was a sponge when it came to knowledge and having him around, if you needed direction, he would give it to you. I had a feeling that when Tuesday and Wednesday, throwing an event, it would end up the talk of the town. The most amazing evening, you would never forget.
    Next came Saturday. Where was Thursday and Friday? They weren’t there yet. I already knew Saturday. We had partied before. LOVE! LOVE! Him! He made me wish I was gay. Absolutely gorgeous and amazingly fit. He had endless energy and always offered a hand to help you down the stairs. He was Iron Man. He was that guy in high school who I wanted to talk to but didn’t have enough courage to approach. Everyone would hang around him just to feed off his zest for life. He made things happen. He was a motivator. Once on a mission, no one could stop him. Saturday was the energizer bunny and rock hard. After observing him for awhile, I noticed, he was a male version of me (minus a few details). He was a flirt, using his body language and coy smile to get people to do what he wanted.. both male and female! He was a dancing machine. Girls love to go dancing and we love when a guy is dancing with us, especially when it obvious they are loving it!
    Appetizers of caviar and crackers were offered. “Oops! Your glass is only half full(not half empty),let me top that off for you”. A knock at the door. Could there be more? I mean I was already overwhelmed with the questions being asked. The genuine interest in my responses. Their ability to have lengthy conversations all about me. There was more?
    There they were. Thursday and Friday. What a sight. They were so bright I could imagine sculptures of them on display at a priceless museum. Thursday had gorgeous hair and definitely a trend setter. Friday was the all American jock. The blonde hair, the muscular build, the smile that made me want to whiten my teeth. They were the ideal fit. I could tell both were motivated by success. They didn’t seem to have to push each other but would if needed. I felt the urge to ask Thursday for advice, any advice, about my hair, and my clothes. “You are already stunning and I LOVE those shoes! You have an amazing body!” I wanted to jump for joy but felt a little weird. All of these compliments and nobody trying to get into my pants. Could they be telling me the truth? Usually when I meet new people, men in particular, I can be an ‘over the top’ flirt but I was in a new position and wasn’t quite sure how to handle it. They were asking questions about my kids, my website, my goals, my likes and dislikes, what I liked to do in my free time…wtf? I felt a little selfish and almost started to downplay my achievements. Am I a loser or what?
    Throughout the night they did these things. I never paid for dinner, always offered a hand to me when walking through a crowd, escort to the bathroom. “Are you okay? Having fun? Would you like to go here? Let me get you a drink.” I felt like I should do something, anything for them but it wasn’t allowed. All they wanted was me and my company. “You walk in those shoes like you own it. I love you”. You know what? I love you.. all of you! Every single one of you! What? Can I come over and do a makeover? HELLO! YESSS! Fitness tips? They had them. My shoulder was was rubbed, without my asking. When it was time to tip the stripper, money was handed to me. Of course strippers.. This is me remember! Definitely strippers.
    It was difficult at times. Someone would look like they winked at me and I would look around, not sure what was happening. Wait..Was he just staring at my boobs? Of course! I should have known. Not everyone here was gay. The employees said they preferred working at these bars. They make more money. Better tips.
    I was surrounded by so much love and hugs with kisses. It was the best night ever! I was taken care of. So strange. I never felt like that before. I fell in love with each and every one of them that night.
    self-love-womanI am in the jacuzzi trying to avoid making eye contact with the man beside me staring. If I look, he will start talking. Must not look. Shit. He started talking anyways. Thankfully my favorite lesbian couple in my hood walked in and immediately I announced that I wished I was a gay man. I glance at the man beside me. Take that! He is confused and not sure what to do. Good. That will shut him up. “Why would you want to have a dick? They are just in the way.” Hmm.. well I have a bunch of dicks at home already, they just run on batteries. I would have a truckload if they were attached to these men. She didn’t understand. She couldn’t understand. That was okay though because tomorrow is Monday and I love Monday.

    Having fun? Consider donating or purchasing some raunchy clothing to help us support Autism.
  • Looking for a mutually beneficial relationship? Beard Available!

    Some of us go through our whole lives not sure what we want to be when we grow up. It can change and life’s realities can evaporate your hope. You grow and the people around you change. I want to be a supermodel.. actress..singer..a hairdresser.. Time really does fly by and before you know it, you missed your window. Now what? Let’s go through the ABC’s. A– Alcoholic.. Check B– BiPolar.. Check C– Cheater.. Check Check.. Are you following me? What now? Your life is half way over and now you are mentally prepared to explore what is out there for you. Decide what you think might make you happy. Unfortunately, for most, it is too late.:(

    Jessica Simpson in a beard

    Jessica Simpson in a beard


    I know exactly what I want to be! I want the Barbie dream and if I can’t have that (never much liked blondes anyways..keep walking Ken!) I want to be a BEARD!

    Why does that sound weird to you? Never been married? Trust me, if you have, you will understand. You must try everything once and I have. It boils down to.. What makes you happy?

    High Heel Shoes! Not just boring heels but badass, can do some damage to you if you piss me off, kind of heels. I get giddy and like a schoolgirl going to school the first day of a new year with brand new clothes! I am seriously that thrilled! After shoes.. Gosh.. what comes after shoes?

    Women in general are always insecure. We can always find fault in ourselves. Things we would like to change. We are complex and very few understand us.. except.. the gay man. He gets us. He says all the right things at the right time. He compliments when we need it. When he speaks, somehow it is from the soul. How and why? No idea.

    I have a few people I worship in the gay community. Some for their looks.. some for their abs.. some for their sensitivity and ability to read my mind and accept me for who I am. I love them. I adore them. I believe them when they tell me my shoes are amazing. There is eye contact.. no flinching.. no gas passed and always encourage a little more cleavage.

    What has surprised me is that there are so many that are still very “closed” about their orientation. Does that even sound right? Orientation? I don’t think so. They are gorgeous, successful, wonderful human beings but for some reason do not feel 100% confident about being open about their sexuality. That is where my window of opportunity is!!

    I would LOVE to be a beard for hire! There are going to be family events or business dinners where it would be so much easier if you had a date. There will be times when the ex-wife would be so much easier to deal with and ask so many fewer questions if you just had a GF to be your bumper pad. That is ME! In my heels.. Providing a cushion for the hits.

    Let’s break it down. I am a single mom and I have no desire to get married again. I love dressing up, high heels and dancing. Do you see where I am going with this? I know when to behave and can misbehave when necessary. Life is meant to be enjoyed!

    I checked Craigslist.. No ads for Beards.. or Beards available.. A few places looking for hairy women to model but that’s different.. although the pay isn’t too bad. I just feel like.. I’m an entrepreneur. This is an area I would love and excel in. Of course.. everything is negotiable. I am not looking for Barbie’s corvette but I sure would love her wardrobe!

    Baby with a pipe sporting a beard

    Baby with a pipe sporting a beard

    Ladies Sporting Beards

    Ladies Sporting Beards

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  • You Had Me.. Until You Opened Your Mouth
    When you talk it makes it worse!

    When you talk it makes it worse!

    I have this friend right now who is currently in a dilemma. Why is that you ask? Well, because her boyfriend couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

    I am not sure why it is but it seems men in lengthy and healthy relationships have to screw it up somehow. I don’t know if it is ego, okay, it probably is, but after awhile they have to create an issue even when there isn’t one. I believe in a long relationship they start to need a boost. They need to feel that they still got it. The problem is that they generally screw up the relationship they are in while they are at it.

    The male will twist something around in their head to suit their purpose. For example.. My friend was confident in her relationship and trusted her man. They have been through many obstacles and became stronger. There is a lot of travelling separately but this has never caused any problems. Until..

    There is always the nightly phone call but on this night there wasn’t. This is unusual but not terribly concerning. I mean, he is out of town working. There are social gatherings and work meetings, no big deal.
    “Morning baby”. Oh! (*excitement*) “Hey! How are you? How was your night?” Now this is where he blows it. “It was great! I was out, had some drinks, FORGOT ABOUT YOU, and passed out”. Yes. As women, that is the main part we hear. Wtf? Forgot about us? Are you kidding me? We have never forgot about you (Lord knows in my opinion it might be nice to get away with that one. We could get into a lot of fun trouble), no matter how wasted we have got. “What do you mean forgot about me?” Big mistake number two. “Well I was out with AN ACQUAINTANCE (I am highlighting the important parts so that men reading this will understand what women hear) and lost track of time.” I know, right now all the women out there are laughing thinking, what an idiot. We all know that acquaintance means girl, otherwise you would say a man’s name or use the word buddy or something. In addition, because you said acquaintance and not a woman’s name, you are guilty. At this point, you are screwed. It could be a woman you saved from getting hit by a car. You could have performed CPR and brought her back to life. It could be your 90 year old grandmother’s best friend and it makes no difference. You are fucked! At this point, we roll out the questions and because you guys, in general you do not make things super complicated, instead you do a combination of things. You say something without thinking and/or say something without thinking it may lead to another question. You panic! You lie. You can’t help it. It’s instinct. She knows what you are doing. She says simply, “Was it a female you were with?” You side step (another mistake. If you can’t dance, don’t attempt to side step). She won’t stop and will continue to interrupt your BS until you answer and guess what? Here is the shocker! It was!

    Now I sincerely believe that this man wasn’t doing anything wrong. He isn’t a game player. He isn’t an ass kisser. He just doesn’t fit the type but I do think in his mind he convinced himself that his girlfriend can be a little jealous (she’s not) because he is quite a catch (uh huh) and it’s probably better I don’t say anything because it might stir up trouble. Ummm.. actually no. You are wrong and you don’t like that. You need to feed that manly ego of yours and remind her of how lucky she is. Well let me say that she knew how lucky she was. She showed you that by trusting you, sharing with you, being okay with you travelling and not worrying about what you are up to. Now, in one swoop you messed the whole thing up. Boy! Did you ever!

    My advice to her, being that I have absolutely no educational background or legitimate reason to back up why I think this, to not say a thing. Let him stew in it. Let him keep texting and calling and don’t respond yet so that he is forced to think about what has happened and why you could be so upset with him. I think if she answered his call right away, worked it out, for him it will be all over with. No big deal. He wouldn’t be able to understand why she flips out the next time he forgets to call. He will have no idea why now she doesn’t trust him at all. It needs to be on his mind awhile. He needs to really get it and the only way, I think, is keeping him paranoid that he fucks things up. I could be wrong, who knows. It’s just my opinion.

    Realistically.. He should have followed, “Morning Baby” with “I had a few drinks, was chatting with this Cheryl woman I knew from when I use to work in the financial district. We worked in the same office. It’s been years. Anyways, I was exhausted and fell asleep before midnight. Told her all about you”. (Of course, the names and jobs I am using are fictional). His girlfriend would be fine. She has no reason to doubt him. He was honest. He is travelling so it’s understandable that he was tired. Sure, he could have text her but it was not a big issue. “Yep.. I get it. Maybe next time, just text me”.

    He just should have kept his mouth shut.

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  • The Joys Of Autism | Mom Look What I Can Do!

    Bankrupt Films Water BottleWhat am I up to now you ask? A couple people I care about have recently found out their child has autism. They have a long, stressful road ahead of them but I want them to know that there may be some unexpected surprises along the way.


    When my oldest was younger there was this one area we would drive past and everytime we did he would slouch down nervously. Why was he so scared?
    There was a high school with a large sign outside that said, “Children’s Recycling Center“. He thought they actually took in kids and then they were recycled..gone.
    Imagine seeing the world literally.

    With age came new experiences…

    Rubbing His . .

    “Mom! Look what I can do!” He then proceeds to rub his … I immediately stop him and try to explain as calmly as I can that it is completely normal but to please not show or tell anyone and to do it in a private place. “When I take a bath?” “Sure!” After an hour and a half goes by I tell him that it is time to get out. “But I can do it two times now!”

    A male friend was over visiting, my son walked up to him and asked, “Are you going to have sex with my mom? Because if you do, I suggest you wear a condom”. I LOVE sex education.

    He approached me very concerned. “I am very worried about this sex thing. I think I should just start wearing a condom right now”. “I really don’t think, being 14, that you have anything to worry about”. “But what if a group of girls surround me and force me to have sex with them? I don’t want STDs or AIDS! I just think I should just start wearing one now all the time. I want to be prepared.” I think they failed to point out some crucial information in sex ed class.”Just don’t worry about it.” “But what if they rape me?” “Seriously son.. that, will never, ever, happen. I promise!”

    I Think I Have Aids

    “I think I have AIDS”. “What? What are you talking about?” “I was doing that private thing in the shower and I used my wash for pimples. Will I get AIDS now?” This wash contains salicylic acid. “No, you won’t. Did you wash it all of? You can’t use that! Why not use instead (frantically searching) this Suave Coconut conditioner.” I can get it at the .99cent store.

    I hear my name being screamed from the other room. “What is it?” “Look..I am growing hair! Everywhere! How can I make it stop?” “This is completely normal. You are getting older.” “NOOO! I don’t want my body to look like Chris Haslam’s hair!” The joys of enjoying skateboarding.

    “WHY! OH WHY! Did you have to have sex 2 times! I hate my brother!!!” I hear this one pretty much on a daily basis.

    I find him sneaking into my bathroom, looking suspicious, in the drawer where the razors are. “What are you doing?” “I need a razor. I need to shave all this hair off of me or else I could get crabs.” Step away from the razors.

    Why is it when I look at know…boobies, I get this weird kind of feeling?” “Umm..well that is because you like them. But don’t tell them that! It is completely normal”. “Can I tell them Nice Rack?” “No..probably not a good thing to say to a girl.”

    I have two now.. “Mom..lately when I go to the bathroom, it hurts a little and I have these cramps and stuff.” “What? You have pain? Where?” “Right here! Right here in my abdomen.” “What it sounds like you are describing is PID”. “YES! That’s what I have!” “Well, first of all, I am assuming you have not had sex yet, just turning 13 and well…only girls can get it so I think your okay”. “Are you sure?” “Yes. Positive!”

    One night a girlfriend arrives to pick me up for a night out on the town. This is the first introduction for the kids. “This is my friend…. These are my boys!” ” Do you do cocaine?” My friend, “What?” “Do you do cocaine? Because I don’t care if you do but I don’t want my mom to”. Yep…great introduction.

    Took a fun bike ride down to the US Open. “There are a lot of pretty girls down here, isn’t there?” “No crap Shakespeare!” What? Ohhh!!! He meant No Shit Sherlock. I will let that one go.

    Mom.. What’s a Whore?

    “Mom.. What’s a whore?” “What’s Tea-Bag?” “What is a slut?” “What does crap mean?” “Why did a guy call a girl a fox when she is a girl?” “How can a dog be a dog and a person a dog?” “What does pussy mean?” Now they have not heard these words in our home but from other kids! Just try to come up with a definition for these words. It isn’t that easy!


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  • Warning Warning | Poor Shooter | Ouch My Eye Hurts


    What is going on? What is with the urgent message? WTF?

    I am sorry to have to interrupt your Friday evening escapades but I received a phone call that was very upsetting to me. A dear friend called me very distraut. She was inconsolable. What happened? She explained…OH NO! Not again! I became frustrated then angry then thoughtful.. Why has this never been addressed? How many women does this have to happen to until someone says something…does something! (lightbulb!)

    Watch Out For Bad Cum ShootersThere is an epidemic going on that I think needs to be brought to the public’s attention. It’s been a problem for years yet no one is willing to talk about it. I think I have mentioned it before but no one seems to take the problem seriously. Too many women have had to deal with this problem privately..hiding in shame..double-locking the door and refusing to come outside.. I have dealt with this myself…Very embarrassing. I think if it hasn’t yet touched your family circle, it has affected one of your close friends.

    Dealing With A Poor Shooter – Getting Cum In Your Eye

    We can’t all be the best at everything we do. We can improve, if we practice and work hard. It is not a “natural talent”. There is nothing more complex than dealing with a poor shooter. We don’t want to be harsh or attack the origin but we also do NOT want it to happen again. A woman’s face seems like a perfect canvas to paint on…correct? Not all of us are artists..some are paint by numbers. When the “shooter” hits the eye..or ends up in the eye…this is NOT a triumph. This is a disaster. Our eye becomes red…throbbing..swollen and incredibly painful. It becomes increasingly worse. This sucks! I think there has to be a way to work this out and save all of the many, silently, suffering women.

    Practice At Home First

    I would like to offer suggestions. Obviously! Practicing at home will help improve anything and everything! If ladies you see this as a “painful” issue, you could, right before, in a sexy voice…maybe mention that above the eye area is fine, the nose is okay, neck is good…pretty much all over the head you can feel comfortable with…. However, the eye area, no can do. TheAssgirl Product TestingIf you are all about eye contact..goggles could be a good idea. Perhaps a safe word would work for you? “Incoming” or “Duck” could work well. This way the special someone could have a heads up. If you are not comfortable with talking about the problem with the shooter, your only choice is to close your eyes and don’t open until it stops. Not real romantic but generally, if this sort of play is happening, romance isn’t part of the equation.

    Please understand…it hurts like hell when this happens. It looks weird and trying to scramble up a bullshit explanation is a total pain in the ass. A mussels shell did what? The pen went where? Just not believable. No time to linger in the bliss..

    This has been a public service/safety announcement sponsored by The Ass Girl.

    For fun..a sneak peak at product testing..behind the scenes!

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Having fun? Consider donating or purchasing some raunchy clothing to help us support Autism.

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